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I really need to write, something. I don't know what. I don't want to go on and on about this. I have already talked to so many people trying to get meaning out of all of this. It's good to find out that there are two people out there who have been there, know how this feels, are still working through this, etc. You probably know who you are. And I love you both.
I feel like I need to get something out. As much as I have told this story and tried to find a reason, I feel like there's still something inside stuck in there. It hurts, it's literally causing me physical pain. I don't want to ignite any pity. I don't want to make anyone turn against Andrew in any way. This is not his fault, he's not to blame, he is not a cruel being at all. None of this should be blamed on him. And it sure as hell won't make me feel any better to say that I can do better and he's an asshole, because I honest to God believe that I can't, and I know for a fact he isn't.
Let me tell a story, of a boy who cured an incurable desperation.
No, you know that story all too well. But you may not know he saved my life. You may not know he stopped the drugs. He stopped the withdrawal from the world. He stopped all the hurt, the lonely times, the lying. He changed me. At first it was hard for me to accept and go along with it. But I soon learned to understand his ways, agree with his ways, and be more and more like someone he could fall in love with. In all the ways I changed, I never lied, or pretended, or falsified who I was. I changed for him, but I didn't do it only because he wanted it.
I'm just going to write. All the sappy shit, the cheesy lines, the memories that should be in a romantic movie. It doesn't matter to me anymore. I don't care how I look, how I come off to the world, how I am seen. I feel far too much to care about those things.
Honestly I was probably scared of his confidence. His dreams, goals, hopes, view on the world and life. Maybe that's why I couldn't easily express how I felt about it. He thought that I thought he was stupid, and that I looked down on him a lot. But in all honesty, I was insecure, because if you know me, my life has always been undecided. I have no career goals. I don't know whether I want to be a carpenter, artist, musician, writer, I don't fucking know. And he was/is so sure of what he wants to do. He has a list of things he wants to do. And I don't. I always just go with things. And I am scared to commit to things. But I wasn't scared to commit to him.
But, more than I could ever explain, I think Andrew is the most all-around beautiful person I have ever met. Not just because I am in love with him. But because there is so much more to him that you have seen. He's told me so much, shown me so much. There is so much to him. I look up to him so much. I have so much faith in him I have nearly lost my faith in God. I have so much appreciation for things he thinks, says, does, and yet I can never show it. I am a fucked up individual. But he is so beautiful. So smart. So powerful. He has so much more potential than he sees. I hope he knows this. I hope he will do everything he wants. I hope he gets whatever he wants and needs. He deserves for everything to work out. I want him to get it. I want to help him, but I do nothing good anymore, not even for my own fucking self.
I had a few slip-ups. Everyone knows about Brandt, Richard. Everyone knows sometimes my anger gets the best of me and I react by doing cruel things that I don't even think or care about. It hurts me to think I ever could have let someone else sleep in Andrew's bed. I will never forget the night he took me out of my house and I left Brandt there, we went out, to San Francisco, had fun, felt whole again. And after sat in the Bayfair parking lot discussing us, and the lack of us. And him screaming at me, "HE'S IN OUR BED RIGHT NOW. THAT WAS OUR BED." because it was true. How do I do these things? I know better, why the fuck do they happen?
I have hurt him so much. And more than anything, I wish I could just take it all back. I want him to feel no pain from me, at the very least.
They say you can't change people, you can only change yourself.
That is the most falsified piece of shit phrase I have ever heard. I have easily changed many people, including Andrew, for selfish reasons, pointless thoughtless reasons that I still don't know to this day. But I have never, for the life of me, been able to change the way my mind works against me, the way I do things without realizing, the way some part of me that is bad takes control and lets the former me slip away while it can wreak havoc on everything I love.
There is nothing more painful than seeing all the wrong you have done, all the pain you've caused someone you love more than life, and never being able to take it back at all.
I need a way to prove myself again. A way to show I am more than a few screamed obscenities and a rationality based on nothing. Some sort of life-affirming event, proof of love and faith and apology.
In all truth, I want nothing more than to have Andrew back, I'd give it all up for that. The job, the security, the friends, the cigarettes, the comfort I had in my ways, everything. Is there anything I can trade to get you back? No, you've told me a dozen times since 8/29. I can't help but think there must be something I can do. But I guess not.
But Andrew changed so much of me for the better. Despite how many people supposedly felt "relief" when they found out we were apart again, I know that a dozen people once told me I was so much happier with him, so much happier than they had ever seen before. And it was true. Even in the bad times, I was so much happier.
I was so proud to have someone so smart and beautiful. Someone with such amazing ideas and views, beliefs that transcended anything I had heard. Someone with a past that still defined who he was in the present. Someone who never stopped loving. Someone who told the truth even if it hurt. Someone not afraid to feel passion, someone who knew what it felt like to love and lose and hurt and live. SOMEONE WHO WANTED TO LIVE AND NOT MERELY EXIST.
I was so proud, and amazed. I adored that boy. Still do. Always will, I don't care what anyone says. And no, I will not find someone who fits me better. I will not look, will not find, will not come across, will not run into. There is no one. Sure maybe someone out there would fit better with my personality, maybe someone would give into me more, someone would humor me more, someone who would let me get away with more. But that's not what I want or need. I don't need someone to let me think I am right for being psychotic, I don't need someone to tell me I am correct when I say cruel things to them.
I swore to myself and on my life that I will not hook up with, kiss, have sex with, get close to, become intimate with, fall in love with, or let in anyone else but Andrew. Afgter 8/29 I decided and swore this to myself. So don't tell me to find someone new. Don't tell me to find someone who fits better. It's not happening.
I am going to wait for the only person I truly could love, and if he doesn't come back, I will still wait until I die or he does come back, whichever comes first.
I just... Fuck. There is so much adoration for Andrew.
It's all wasted by me sitting here by myself writing this.
But all I can say now, is that this is not over for me, it won't be. I may be crazy but I am going to wait.
And I just devised a life plan, at least short term, with an amazing lady who is going to be a roomate someday if things allow it.
I can't do this anymore.
I can't let him walk away.
I just don't want to be left behind. I don't want to disappear. Someday he'll find a girl who won't want him to see me or talk to me and that will be that.
But I can't handle that.
I wont' be able to.
If you're reading this. Please don't forget me or stop loving me. That's all I need if you can't give anything else. I am going to be here whenever you need and I won't ever not be here. Swear.
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